Mom..

I was reading a blog the other day and it made me realize I've never talked about my Mom and her last days. This blog will be about that time in my life and about her...

I'm not going to start at the beginning but at the beginning of the end.

My mom had lung cancer (surgery and chemo) and then had some stomach pain so she had a colonoscopy, which found a tumor in her small intestines (same place as mine).  It was cancer--I am not sure what they called it.  Probably adenocarcinoma.  She did not have Carcinoid, like me.  She didn't want more chemotherapy.  We didn't push her.  In hind-site, of course, we wish we had!

A few months later she had a pain in her side and after a CT Scan the doctor told her that her liver was full of tumors to numerous to count.  She went in for a biopsy but her blood was too thin for them to do it.  They tried different drugs to help her blood count come up but to no avail.

Her doctor told her there was nothing they could do. She said she'd do anything they wanted her to do. They said they would call hospice.  (This was 11 years ago.  I'm not sure if there would be any options now as bad as it looked.)

I had just arrived at my work parking garage when I got a call from my dad.  This was not quite 3 weeks after her last appointment with her doctor.  My dad never called!  He said my mom wouldn't get out of bed.  He didn't know what was wrong.  I could hear the distress in his voice.  I got back in my car and headed to my parents house about 30 minutes away.  I think this was a Friday.

When I got there, my mom was still in bed.  I asked her what was wrong, was she in pain?  She said she just didn't want to get up.  There was no point.  I laid down on the bed next to her and we talked for a bit.  She said she didn't want to die.  She wasn't ready.  I told her I didn't want her to die either--

I did finally get her up and to the bathroom.  I'm not a very big person and neither was my mom but we barely made it!  I also got her to go downstairs to her chair.  I made some calls to my sister and her doctor (about hospice and why we hadn't heard from them).  I don't remember exactly but I do know I got a call from hospice and they were sending a nurse right over.

The nurse arrived and talked with my mom for a while.  Her main concern was pain management.  She also asked if we wanted a hospital type bed for her so she didn't have to try and go up and down the stairs.  They had one delivered that day!  My mom did not want to die in the hospital.  She wanted to be home.

My pretty mom!

Speaking with the nurse I explained my concern that she (mom) wasn't eating anything.  The nurse (I can't remember her name but she was very kind and compassionate).  She told me not to worry about it because at this point we would just be feeding the tumors.  I was also worried about her drifting off when answering questions.  Mom would start to answer or ask a question and then just sort of drift off in mid-sentence.  She (nurse) explained that when the body is shutting down, all the oxygen goes to trying to keep it alive and the brain gets less and less oxygen.

That afternoon my other sister came down and a few other people dropped by.  One of my mom's good friends, Lyla, brought her a strawberry frozen yogurt and she did eat a few bites.  My husband also had come down so it was a bit busy and noisy with people in and out.  One of the last things I remember my mom saying, in a whisper, to Lyla, her friend, was that she wished everyone would go home!

We did ask everyone to leave after that.  I figured she wanted some peace and quiet.  My sister went to get her pain meds filled and she seemed more comfortable after we got everything on board.  The nurse had told me to call her at anytime if I had questions or problems and that she'd be by the next day.  My sister went home that night and was going to come back in the morning.  I was going to go into work on Monday and get my FMLA paperwork filled out so I could take some time off to help care for my mom.  We were planning on taking turns between the three of us.  My other sister was coming up from her home about 3 hours away the following day.  Another friend of my moms who was legally blind was making arrangements for her daughter to bring her down so she could say her "goodbye".  

I think my mom was just done.  She was never one to want anyone fussing over her!  She was not responding to me much that evening.  She moaned a lot off and on so I gave her more pain meds when she seemed to need them.  I slept on the couch.  She passed in the night.  I knew as soon as I woke up that she was gone.  It was three weeks from the time the doctors told us there was nothing they could do.  When I called the hospice nurse, she was shocked.  She thought she would last a week or even two.  

This post came about due to a question one of my fellow "noids" asked on a support group site.  He wanted to know if anyone knew of any stats on what we die from (liver, tumor growth, heart problems)?  It made me think of my mom.  This post was very emotional for me to write.  I think I know how I'll die.  Most likely from liver failure.  

I do have some regrets.  I wished I'd stayed awake and been by mom's side when she passed.  At least I was there and she wasn't alone...