Thursday, September 25, 2014

Mammo, Mammo, Mammogram!

I was a couple of month overdue for my yearly mammogram.  Guys, you may want to stop here. 

So... I've had four "lumpectomies" over the years.  The first one when I was 19!  It was a lipoma (fatty tumor).  Looked like chicken fat and felt like gristle (yes, my surgeon asked me if I wanted to see it and touch it--so of course I did)!  I don't even remember how old I was for number 2.  Maybe my early 20's.  I felt a lump.  Went to my doctor/surgeon.  He said "let's take it out".  I had not had a mammogram ever--yet.  This one wasn't even a tumor at all.  Just a knot of fibrous tissue.  I have extremely fibrous tissue.  Third one... I don't even remember what it was.  Then at 40, I started the FUN yearly mammogram program.  Always, always, they say my breasts are extremely dense and could prevent the detection of a lesion, etc., etc.  So then I had a lump that came on suddenly and was hot and red and hurt like hell.  I was married then.  It just happened that my yearly gyn appointment was in a few days.  My nurse practitioner thought it was either an infection or a cyst.  She sent me in for my first ever diagnostic mammogram.  What fun they are!  They just squish them more and take more pictures.  I then had an ultrasound (since my tissue is so dense--duh).  They confirmed a cyst.  It was already getting smaller and feeling better so when the radiologist asked me if I wanted him to drain it, I was like, um, that's ok!

I think the next year I had another diagnostic mammogram due to my history and it was ok.  Next couple years I just had regular screening mammo's.  I did skip about 3 years after my divorce.  Opps.  Bad me.  On my next mammogram, the tech saw a very tiny suspicious spot and they called me back for the diagnostic mammo.  I wish they would just skip them and go straight to the ultrasound!  Argh.  This "tiny" spot was not normal and they wanted me to have a "wire-assisted biopsy".  Won't ever do that again!  Basically, they do a really intense mammo--numb your boob and insert a HUGE needle that sticks a wire into the spot that needs to be biopsied.  It's too small to see with the naked eye!  I had this done and the pathology report said it was just some abnormal cells--not even the type that can become cancer.  Relief.  However, since that biopsy in 2009, I've had incredible pain in that breast a week or so before my period.  It hurts to even just brush something against my boob!  I've mentioned it to all my doctors and they've never known why. 

A couple weeks ago I had the usual pain.  Even a bit worse then normal.  I was poking around and that's when I thought I felt a lump but I wasn't sure.  I'm pretty lumpy all the time but especially before my period.  I was "exploring" a bit more and found another lump (almost on my nipple) that I had no doubt about.  Fast forward--called and scheduled a mammogram and when I told them I had a lump, they said I'd need a diagnostic.  yeah!  I knew that would happen.  Again, why not just go straight to the ultrasound?  Well, it's because insurance won't pay!  Mammogram showed nothing.  No lumps.  Nada, Zero.  Just extremely dense fibrous tissue (it looks like white spiderwebs on the ultrasound).  The ultrasound tech said she could feel the one lump (the one I wasn't even sure was a lump) but nothing showed on the screen.  She could feel it when the ultrasound wand moved over it.  Weird.  I showed her where the other little pea-sized lump was and she couldn't see anything there either.  The radiologist came in and ran the wand over me and he could also feel the other bigger lump but nada showed.  He said it was most likely just another mass of tissue but that I should watch it.  He did finally find the other smaller, harder lump.  He pushed the wand a lot harder than the tech did.  He said it was a cyst.  Again, watch it. 

Now aren't you glad you checked in today?  No really, I'm not 100% convinced that neither of these are anything to worry about.  I am keeping a close watch feel on them! 

My point here is just that I don't understand why I have to go through the mammogram process when every single one I have say's the same thing.  Too fibrous to see anything! 

Of course, I am also relieved that they didn't find anything suspicious. 

Why the whole history?  I just wanted you to know where I was coming from and why I didn't freak out when I felt something.  My mom also had several lumpectomies over the years.  I'm so much like her it's scary! 

Saturday, September 20, 2014

A time for reflection.

I said goodbye to my dear cousin Dave today.  He passed away last Monday.  54 yrs old.  He and his brother were like my brothers.  He was my sisters age and his brother Steve was my age.  We grew up together.  Our Fathers were brothers.  Our families spent so much time together when we were kids.  Camping, vacations, Holidays-- especially Thanksgiving.  One year it would be at our house and the next it was at theirs.  I loved their dad so much.  I always wished he was my dad (grass is always greener on the other side).

Dave had many demons throughout his life.  He was a skilled and gifted baseball and football player. My uncle, his dad, sadly took his own life due to the incredible amount of pain he was in from Rhumatoid Arthritis.  Dave was the one who found him and I think it really affected him not so good ways.  I'm not going to get into details because it's not my story to tell but he had many challenges throughout the rest of his life.  He did have four beautiful boys and another who was a son of his ex-wifes that he more or less raised.  I learned new things about Dave today.  How much he was loved and how kind and caring he was to everyone.  There was no judgement in Dave.

I had no idea how much pain he was in.  He had bone-on-bone hips.  Both.  He needed surgery years ago.  Everyone talked about how much he feared this surgery.  Something I don't understand but know that we all have our fears and it's not my place to judge others.  Of course, I feel bad that I didn't know how hard a time he was having.  I wish I 'd reached out to him.  He still lived in his mothers house.  I wasn't sure he was still there.  He was living without power or water.  The bank had taken the house back shortly after his mother died (four years ago), and Dave was still there.  I'm so glad he wasn't alone at the end.  He died from pain.  Literally.  Breaks my heart.

I wanted to write this post to talk about something one of the speakers spoke about.  He said that this life is just the beginning (hey, even if you are not religious, this is a good thing to believe).  This life is just a short blip.  We're here for just a moment.  We will be together again with our loved ones.  I sure hope this is true.

Rest in peace Dave Larsen.  You will be missed.  Until we meet again.